I was married for 24 years. Quick and fast is also good. Sure she was sore & tired particularly in the beginning, but she didnt make it a habit to say no because she knew my hand was nothing like her body that I craved. And the sex with my current partner is always strained because she doesnt show any real passion or desire to let go. But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4555290/, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jmft.12282, http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2707786/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/. So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. Susan!!! It might be time for you to be more responsible and let your wife have some me-time. Pamper her with a spa day or take her out on a nice vacation for two, to break the monotony and give her the relaxation she truly needs and deserves. Ive been married to my husband for 35 + years to an indifferent withholder for the entire marriage. Think before you do what you do. This is how civilizations are built. Hey Mike, I dont think you need a woman, I dont think drugs and orgasm are the best ways to deal with the pain dealt to you by the tragic loss of your loved one. I am not the same, never will be. I do not wish this upon anyone!!! Be loving. Is this the same advice you would give a man that is in a sexless marriage? If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. Related Reading: How Do You Deal With A Quarrelsome Wife? I am afraid Buck is correct. Not so in an egalitarian or woman-dominated marriage where she gets what she wants that always ends in dysfunction & misery. I cant believe I will be in this misery for the remainder of my life and I am only 55. Even books on men not wanting sex place the responsibility on the woman. Hmmm. I always talk to her and ask what turns her on. I wish she would just go away and never come back, shes got just about everything I own. not someone to basically jerk off into. However, if the unfortunate situation arises where your wife never initiates physical contact because shes having an affair, you need to deal with it gently. However, unless you know why your wife is avoiding sex or any forms of physical intimacy, you wont know what you need to work on. She has to try, and she should want to try for your sake if not hers. (function() { // REQUIRED CONFIGURATION VARIABLE: EDIT THE SHORTNAME BELOW In good times, sex it a wonderful way to give and receive love. Can we please talk about how we each feel about sex in our relationship? Men empathize with women in a way that women do not with men; men *want* to make decisions that benefit women, individually and as a group (the Women are Wonderful effect, which both men and women exhibit). My 76 year old husband has not. Indifferent withholders like my wife NEVER get better and their partners either leave or become bitter! 30 years I kept saying to myself.itll get better Now I have ED. I have never been a man so I cannot empathize with a man. Q. Menopause and hot flashes have taken my sex life away. By the way, I love, desire, and adore my husband, but I recognize I will never have my needs met after almost 50 years. I appreciate the fact that my wife has stayed with. But from a womans standpoint, we need emotional love BIG TIME before we can go there. How about finding self-worth in volunteering at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? So, while some continue to coax and prod their spouses to get them in the mood, others resign to fate and either make peace with a sex-starved existence or look for gratification elsewhere. Go be the cat lady then. . You can gently bring up that you want to keep prioritizing your sex life together so your wife understands how you feel and so you can mutually find ways to work on this part of your lives while still being sensitive to her struggles. It makes me sad, and we have talked it out and sadly there is just too much sadness and pain in our relationship for this situation to ever be resolved. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. Masturbation in the case of a marriage where one party is no longer interested in having sex and actively resists any overtures along those lines would seem to be the logical course of action. Really, I may as well just be rooming with a friend at this point in the game. But at 50 she started to loose interest and dry up. Thank you, Harry. /** I had suggest different ways to have sex and she blew up, I was bored and suggested maybe trying different ways, right away I was a pervert and she called me names that shouldnt be repeated here and kicked out of bed. "Having small children is a frequent and legitimate excuse for not having sex.". Dont kid yourself, she still understands a mans needs. That said, you should also think about how youre trying to arouse your wife. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? Now when I express frustration, she will occasionally make a half hearted attempt, but rejects me at the last moment which has brought forth some lack of confidence for me and resentment towards her. I did a lot of stuff that I thought would make things easier for her. Men are not mind readers. If your wife avoids intimacy and this lack of intimacy is beginning to take a toll on your marital bliss, it is time to have an honest conversation with your spouse. Ask if there is something you can do to make sex more enjoyable for her. . So to the Men out there (here) complaining about their sexless marriagesMove On! No sex 7 years!!! Shame on all you women who have men that are committed and loving to you!! Though she died quickly sex was never discussed and I can assure you my marriage was a bed of rock. Marriage is hard work, but worth every moment when the effort is reciprocated. If your wife doesnt feel attractive anymore, she may shy away from undressing in front of you. Harley and Mike, I have a loving wife but her sex drive is down to ziltch. Husbands (and I was one) are men who figured out too late that they are being played for fools. But no sex. Would you like to see more questions and answers? You begin to see the problem. Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. Furthermore the AFIB and some remaining heart failure issues make sex not safe to engage in, even if counseling could resolve our relationship issues from the past. Even with some ED we can still have a good orgasm..but she wont even touch me.. Im not a bad looking guy, and tend to her needs materially.. but sex is off the table. Not many people enter their senior years wit an active sex life, some do, but not many. Who cares whos got the problem enjoy not having sex! Finally after 40yrs he tries to help and cares more now than at any point all the times before. She is somewhat stressed by the reduction in lifestyle we have been reduced to, after years of six figure income for both of us. The first and most important thing you should do if your wife is never in the mood is talk about it. Subscribe now (do it here) and dont miss a single column. He shows no interest or emotional desire to engage in sex or affection. I also went down on her regularly, and now she doesnt even want me to try. married 57 years. Related Reading: How To Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating. Nope no sex. But, do not sell yourself. The counselor ABSOLUTELY never touched on the subject of sex. Absolute rubbish! If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. I hear ya. And I feel its unfair for me to try to fix something that Im the only one thats putting effort into. But connection and intimacy, and yes even sex, IS a need for many. I appear to have some value to her as a friend, roommate, handyman, gardner, earner, companion, but not in any intimate way. I guess. Now married to number 3. Ohh my! Its super annoying if he touches my breasts because I get aroused and then we just cant get it going and then so much unanswered frustration comes. When your partner wont touch you, there could be infidelity involved, 6. We havent had sex in months. Scented coconut oil is a great way to give her a message. I love her to death, but Im sick of the constant rejection. And I love doggie! Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? Will not do anything about it.. Refuses everything and anything to do with sex. A woman figures that out, shell be HAPPILY married! Haha Im not going to belittle my husband and make him feel less of a man when he is the one with impotence. He (so far) said no. We could be spontaneous. But he keeps wanting to try and work on it and cant seem to accept that Im changing as I grow old. Equality sounds great in principle people should be equal, right? He is always sitting alone. We have been convinced to settle and accept less. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. I have a consulting business in devlopment now, because Social Security isnt enough to save money. Just need the fortitude to go. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. We have been married 10 years and he has never touched me in an intimate way, or never had sex or even tried. I dont know what kind of slob you were married to, but maybe he rolled over and fell asleep because you were so boring and disinterested. Men must risk themselves, including sacrificing their own lives if necessary, to protect the women and children in their care. Your husband is a very lucky man. It may sound strange, but I actually take some comfort out of reading other peoples comments and stories: I am not alone I also dearly love my wife and would never leave her, but a sexless life (10+ years) is the sad reality. Got lost there. I appreciate there are many reasons MANY reason wives dont want sex and No one can or should force them to have to sex. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. Sigh . Fear Of The Wife How Real Is It For Modern Men? If you guys love your wives and wanna stay till death and your having problems with containment, I lost all desire because I have no testosterone so its been a God send to me. She just isnt attracted to me. 5 Marriage Problems That Most Couples Face And Their Solutions, My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex And Sometimes It Feels Like I Am Having It With A Dead Body. Except that one little thing. Divorced quickly. When the support isnt there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. This causes them to shy away from physical intimacy. She has very little interest in penetration. but you most certainly are putting up with it, by acquiescing your role in your own home and your role as the male in your relationship. may have led to years of unsatisfying sex, and the longer youre together, the more nervous she may be to bring it up. Related Reading: 10 Things To Do When You Are Drifting Apart In Your Relationship. Ive communicated my feelings to him many times. Sex is not just about giving what you get, its about an experience that both partners should enjoy equally. To answer your question from my 69-year old, male POV: I love her. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. * https://disqus.com/admin/universalcode/#configuration-variables Sounds like case of no money no honey. I so desired to be held, touched, kissed deeply and often, all the things that love should be about, but it wasnt to be. That never goes away for most women or men. I self reflected and starting cooking again, especially on her late nights. All information is confidential. Any discussion goes nowhere. We dont have children, and we have tried everything.therapy, books, scheduling sex, talking, crying, toys, porn. Hasnt been for decades. Women want to be swept off their feet. If you love the person you will probably end up in the suffer category, unfortunately. Your wife never initiates physical contact - Sex feels like a chore Is your mind saying - "my wife loves me but is not sexually attracted to me?" Your wife never initiates physical contact and she does not seem excited by that idea either. i rejected it, because I have become detached, unhappy and frustrated. If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationships with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex. Men provide protection, stability, and resources. When we have been lucky enough to have experienced phenomenal sex with our partners and that has been cut off, that does not mean we stop wanting or needing sex and intimacy. Dont hold it against her. Arthritis: No Cure, But Ways to Ease the Pain. It takes two. Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping. She is 33. While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy, happy relationship, checking in with yourself is also good. She may give in from time to time to satisfy her man, but the drive is gone. I mean, we have a nightly generic kiss and slight hug say goodnight. You can help by mediating such issues or chalking a way out of the problem together, to restore her peace of mind and bring back the passion in your bedroom. Im a 68, fun, attractive, domestic woman who loves intimacy. I hope this is helpful to someone. If not he should go on in it. When I was single I would simply break off a relationship when the sexual problems would start. I was reading the original story and that exactly my life. Maybe have her read what you have posted here so she can see your pain all laid out with no interruptions like conversations can have when 2 people are both upset and talk at the same time. I feel like its just my life now. For me my wife has me feeling guilty and hesitant and re framing from touching her in any way. This put stress on things as did a lack of acceptance from my mother, to my Wife, until she died at 97. Take time to learn about the secrets of sex all women wish men knew, learn your way around her body and plan a special evening together. Better have the most compatibly with someone ans have a happy fulfilling relationship. This can be difficult since, statistically, couples are not as willing to talk about sexual matters the same way they would other conflicts, such as children or finances. Its good for your general health, your sexual health and your sense of well-being. Spice up your appearance. Could I just ask the question? Only once really in love. Men with low sex drive try lifting free weights in a gym. Ive moved on!!! My wife is 54 and started menopause at 46. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. Holy Cow, I have about had it. When it gone, its gone. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus. There are many causes, physical and emotional, why your wife wont have sex with you anymore. I am a man who has been married for 48 years and to read The man must rule by demanding to get what he wants suggests a serious mental illness. I am 50 and she is 45 but she began having the same symptom that you described. the you. But you cant fix a problem if you dont know the cause. Its all about the woman needs not the man. Ed if your still out there I have the same view as you do on the phone and web. Its a disturbing trap that you must avoid. Is there any way I can help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling? As we age we need to look at things with a different perspective. both my parents are senior. We havent had sex in 6 months and she has rejected my advances numerous times. My career came to a halt after my illness, due to a stigma related to my heart problems and brain surgery. 4. Also, make sure you share the housework equally, including the mental load. If I push thru to be happy and have energy, he expects me to be like I was 20 years ago. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. The woman is doing two jobs, especially during the pandemic. Frankly, Im ready for a change of scene because this is like living with someone who it seems might be happier living off by himself. At that time my job became demanding. That had bee. Some of it comes from knowing that your partner is unhappy," she writes at mbg. But after putting off marriage until I was 40 it too became sexless right after the wedding. Maybe, she knows of your infidelity, but hasnt spoken about it? Women wont mention it because the rejection we feel each time he puts us off, says no or does not respond to our sexual advances chips away at our self confidence and our souls as being sexually vibrant women even in our late sixties. I totally understand your story. I caught her in a flirtation as she calls it, with her boss. I am very sexually frustrated and a different Danish upbringing with a healthy attitude. My wife will listen to my concerns about sex, but will not take hormone supplementation because of the science which indicates it can cause cancer in rare cases. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. You may be ok with the situation youve created.. thats one thing, but to act as though youre merely tolerating the situation as a martyr is pure BS. Well, I am more than happy to say that our marriage has lasted for over 56 years and I know that we are still together mostly due to the fact that we are best friends. It is not the loss of testicles as much as the loss of the prostate gland. Amen. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Join us online to gain access to exclusive benefits and opportunities only for Senior Planet Supporters! I know couples who watch it together and I believe my wife and her friend are closed minded and in denial of their contribution, or lack thereof in being that person who can meet the wants and needs of their husbands. And you are wasting your life . Sex is over. I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! I am sorry I stayed, but life, illness, dementia parents and a son kept me in this sexless marriage. First few years sex was great. It is so sad listening to mostly men talk about their wives not wanting sex. There are books that can help guide you. My sexual desire just stopped. I spent 36 years with a man who I was never good enough for and now in a relationship with a man who loves me and is so kind. has he? From work deadlines to zoom meetings to bosses to deal with, teams to manage, kids to raise, meals to cook, chores to do, errands to run and the billion other things your wife has to handle, she may just be too exhausted to even think about sex. I honestly dont know what happens to men as they age. Getting out of the friend zone with your wife will require you to find another zone for yourself. My wife is an alcoholic so mood swings are often. Except she doesnt like hugging or cuddling either. Oh my goodness you sound so defeated. Even if he cant accept the divorce is coming!!! I watch the couples in my family and I saw the future. I have been married for 40 years this coming July. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! And its been going that way for years. My wife never touches me anymore after weve had our child, Greg told us. The only thing I have now is masturbation about 3 times a week. She says she loves me but cant stand to touch me. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy. I can literally be ready with just a thought. But when I try to go to the next level. Without the energy of wooing, the fear of missing out if we do not woo, we fall into complacency and boredom. When a woman has to live with her in-laws, its a major change from the way she had been living before. Every new relationship begins with a promise of love, intimacy and affection. Awful!!! When she was in the mood, my wife really enjoyed sex and had great orgasms, but that mood hit less and less frequently. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. Now, for the past several months, we go to bed together and after I have fallen asleep, he starts masterbating and the shaking of the bed awakens me. I try to get used to it. Feel like I have him a lifetime!!! I lve my wife more now then when we got married. In such a case, it could be the reason why your wife avoids intimacy. I am really starting to think that sex was not made for pleasure, but for reproduction and when the reproductive years end for a woman, so does her desire for sex diminishes or ends and men that still have a desire, suffer in silence or become broke from a divorce and visiting prostitutes. Just get out Stan. When a woman looses her ovaries and/or had a hysterectomy the sex drive goes. Frankly Im tired of people pushing to try Testosterone replacement again. According to my research MOST sexless couple dont divorce. I have tried joint with promises of renewal and never worked. Thank goodness we get along well in every other area, however Im at a loss. She told me after having foreplay she thinks her vagina is dead because nothing arouses her. For women its submitting to the protector of her choosing and bearing only his children. Due to bi-polar, I have had a strong sex drive since I can remember. Id go get some attention somewhere if I could. The wife was boring and I had to follow so many rules and regulations when it came to sleeping and sex together. We were together for 14 years. I made the decision that I would just say screw it and NOT think about sex at all. Men my advice is dont get married or move in with women if you love sex. So the time has come to find a willing older gal and have an affair and feel alive and like a man again He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. Susan I think many men would find your comments upsetting. Does Thunderbird mean anything to you? Read the first sentence again. Your email address will not be published. Plus, a lack of communication might have created this distance. Together we have seen a number of therapists with not much luck but felt I owed it to her to try and fix things. You have to find a life without him. I wonder if it could be depression (something he wouldnt admit to), but its been going on a long time. Its worth discussing with your doctor. Each year for three years, she assured me she would seek help from a wholistic doctor, which never happened. This is hard, because of my upbringing and the fact she is a wonderful person in every other way. He started blaming his medication but when I checked that out he moved on to another excuse. She is my sister as far as Im concerned not my lover and I dont know what to do. I need to be held by a mature woman and caressed and brought to orgasm. our sense of what is expected . Then ask them what they are willing to do about it once and for all. Its not as rosy on our side of the fence, when you really look into it. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? Over the years this causes deep anger and then revulsion in the female. Our marriage became almost sexless in 2006 when our 17 year old son was killed in an accident. Married a little over 50 years! There is no hope for this relationship. This could be a reason why your wife avoids sex. (she has seen a councelor) and she this has gone on for years and may take years to heal and maybe I will never heal. Do we risk our grown children finding out and not understanding? No sex for about 20 years. Prostate cancer or vaginal dryness does not preclude you from meeting the sexual needs of your partner out of laziness and a lack of giving a shit. But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. The thing thats in the way the most for me ISNT all the atrophy, the breast surgery, the continuing oral chemo therapy, the fatigue that I have. That has been HER normal. Brother, your story sounds exactly like mine. That partner depriving you of that intimacy does not give a damn what you do just as long as you do not bother them about it or it interferes with their favorite TV show! I too have never cheated. Once you've looked at yourself, talk to her and pay attention to how she's feeling. Find someone who finds you attractive, become more attractive, get in shape (thats key). What to do about it: "You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences," Zimmerman advises. Perfectly happy and have intention to change it. 1. /* After chemo and radiation, they put her on hormone suppression drugs, which reduced her libido a lot. salvador zerboni parents,