Ride Peace through Connection with Self Spirit Nature. I lost my lovely brother on May the 7th 2017 to hanging. She left suicide notes we cant have them until after the investigation. His father, a pastor who was very loving, kind, and compassionate, was a rock to David. At last they came and was surprised about how we have this wonderful life.. I was getting my gym shoes. On a dead body. I have cried every day since his death. Anxiety and depression run in my family so I was able to offer her good advice and accept the way she was feeling without judging her. Tramatized to say the least, need to find a way to cope having a hard time. 1. Not for opinions, not for relationship advice, and not for preaching. I blame myself for not sending him to a better doctor. Our grief is almost identical. He kept saying he was depressed and wasn't worth living. I have been forced to reevaluate my relationship with my father, my mother, my siblings, and extended childhood family. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. Desi DePriest October 22, 2017 at 1:01 pm Reply, Peggy, TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) is an amazing resource for military families. Spending time with her wasnt the same it was almost like her eyes were glassed over and her physical body was present but her mind was elsewhere. Then I learnt he died at anoth6 womans place. Savannah Elizabeth Speight April 1, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply. I almost, almost wanted to stay in. She didnt keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. I cant make it right ever. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. Like you, I see a lot of parallel between suicide and overdose death. If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time day or night, or chat online. I am in the UK. I honestly don't know how to describe it, i've never felt anything like it. I had turned the corner in the backyard to find him on his knees, slightly suspended from the gate. im glad i was not the one who found him, i was the last one to see his beautiful face and thats how i will always remember him. They had no idea he would do this. Family abuse and belittling spiraled his depression and self-worth into a dark hole. I had no idea he was depressed. Im told the fact that he avoided me was a sign that he cared about me, and wanted to protect me from the pain he caused. The next several months involved several rounds of ECT, a diagnosis of Bipolar I, transfer to another facility, and a couple more hospitalizations. I can feel him next to me, in my peripherals but I just cant quite see him. She could easily brush off her tears and get back in the game. My girlfriend took her life 12/30/18. I find it hard to talk to others about my pain because I feel like Im indulging in self pity and thats why Im here looking at the comments from others who have had the same experience. Danielle March 31, 2021 at 10:39 pm Reply. We tried to get him help but he was already in a dark place. Aaron M October 9, 2019 at 7:23 pm Reply. May God bless each and every one of you ,as well as your lost loved ones. I thought he had hit his head on some metal struts he has for a car lift. He had reached the edge of the woods by the time I caught up with him. You have every right to feel how you are feeling right now. Tami, Im very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. We went out that night danced sung laughed and played pool. I was such an idiot, I even told him spooky stories like from true story where mentally Ill people end up killing the people they love. Her funeral is this coming Saturday. He recently found a girlfriend , everyones guard was off , we all thought he is OK. I feel guilty for not spotting it. He had dropped out of medical school about half a year earlier and we assumed he needed some time alone. I cant loose him too, Sharon September 23, 2020 at 4:48 pm Reply. A means no. Before she took her life she told her mother she didnt feel the medication was working and the visits to the institution were a waste of time. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. She killed herself. In the last few years, every phone call, every text, meet up was an intervention. She was going to a therapist. Its hard to watch a loved one go through that, but at the end of the day, all of it has its place in life. Telling our story and acknowledging it happened seems to be my way to grieve. Jamey December 24, 2018 at 12:43 am Reply. I took my brother, her husband, to a Crisis Center at a nearby hospital. We got him a card and balloons. I also believe that he knew it would be me who found him, and maybe that was his way of pushing his destructive narcissism onto me one last time. The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! R.I.H. When Im ready to start really getting painfully honest with myself, Ill begin to heal. i dont discuss how his life ended with most people because even some of my closest friends feel the need to share their unsolicated opinion of suicide and frankly my dear . One son had a visible disease and the other had an invisible disease, but they both chose to end their pain. TTYL, JEREMY, Anonymous March 28, 2021 at 6:51 pm Reply. I do struggle every day as I miss his larger than life personality ?x. All of the pain and anger and relief and stress you will experience is normal, and although I may not be a counselor or a therapist, you can contact me at matthewenzel@gmail.com if you need to talk about it. But she never left her boyfriend and eventually I moved away and the last time I saw her or spoke to her was 25 years ago. Sometimes we will never know and will only hold ourselves down in grief if we live by the what ifs. His bicycle is in my shed. My first when my fiance shot himself in front of me. In that short time, he had seen his doctor twice, gone to two therapy sessions and a support group, and he and I had talked for hours. Every time I make up my mind that this is what I must do, my misery always gets the best of me. Thank you for commenting. Nobody other than yourself can tell you what exactly that place is, because what youre experiencing belongs solely to you, despite the commonality of the situation you share with other people. (My dad hated being cold) We got him a camp bandana to cover the gauze. Obviously, I am completely devastated. Jasmine April 21, 2019 at 3:11 pm Reply. I think about my sister in law and the pain she is in, I see both her and my brother as empty souls with complete darkness over them. How do I get through this? Every time I see someone hold a gun to their head either in a kid or joking. People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. Or we reconnect and I sweep him up and take him to safety in my home. The traded stories between family and friends that bring smiles bc he created those memories for and with us. My dad killed himself 3 months ago. I lost my closest brother 2 years ago to what was most likely suicide by cop. SUICIDE can kill those still living every day and there needs to be more resources to turn to in order to prevent this! He was a good man. I want to feel pain and regret and sarrow and all that bc its real. Unfortunately things arent going so well. The man who murdered my brother post-9/11 just died. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. Never been to therapy or anything and Ive always thought I should have done that. The next morning the mother called me and asked me to go over and check on him. We had been drinking and he pulled over for drunk driving. Dont let her do this to you. He doesnt go anywhere without it. Just as you did with your supervisor. If any of you are familiar with the idea of attachment styles, it feels as though the loss of my mother completely obliterated any secure attachments I had and I feel stuck in this space of anxious attachment (fearful that small inconsequential things will ruin the relationship, excessive fear of abandonment, etc.). I got a call from my dad saying that my brother was no longer with us and it left me in shock. Those are the scars of suicide, and you have to learn to live with those scars, My kids are my rock, he wasnt their biological father, but he had been in their lives from a very young age. I never made light of his suspicions and even suggested he sees a psychiatrist, but I never thought things would go so bad so fast. I hope the police find him. I saw some women taking a walk down the street chatting and realized that no, they dont have a clue that this place and time is not appropriate for laughter. i loved him and i do not think it is a selfish disease and i truly dont think it will ever stop because no one talks anymore and no one listens anymore. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. My heart goes out to you. The mother and father of a disabled girl who died after becoming morbidly obese and police found her body covered in maggots, have been jailed. my only son was one of those 41,149 he died by suicide 09/28/13 from depression and compounded by substance abuse i miss him, Im so sorry Rose. I forever feel a strong wave of guilt and are being blamed by his family for not helping him or trying to save him. I am soooo sorry. Even kids get depressed and fight mental illness. Ive have dealt with suicide twice in my life. This is not forever. It was like we lived it all over again. I cant believe it still My family are so devastated and I cant see us being the family we were once more. One guy tried to kill himself 5 times. But at the same time I dont know how if I have myself considered in dying because life is overwhelming me. He has completely fallen apart. He was a bit not like himself but I just assumed he didnt feel well and I hugged him and told him I loved him. My brother hung himself just over a year ago. I still cant believe that he would have done that. Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. I had to forgive myself and forgive Dad. We would rather blame ourselves (or someone else) than accept that sometimes things are outside of our control and that there is nothing we could have done. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. There are only so many allowances you can afford someone in their grief. He was 7 1/2 years older than me and he died eight days after my wedding and after having run off a month before. Mike was my first light, last light, my daylight, my moonlight and my nightlight. Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. he was only 21, in his fourth year of uni, just asked my parents for help yesterday. It was 11 p.m. so i was confused. Her upbringing was fraught with addicted parents and grandparents. Take assurance that your pain will ease and it will become a bit easier with time. Sounds like both of us had our sole mates and now they are gone with no answers. Everything I have researched has said that pregnant women are always first priority because of whats happening in their body that they dont understand but she was pushed away. Im so worried for my own life. Kim, you are not to blame for your sons death, for which I am deeply sorry, otherwise I am to blame for my sons death because of depression. Although suicide is often sudden, it is not always unexpectedand so not all who experience the death of a loved one to suicide struggle to answer the question of Why?. I cant believe that two young men are now gone from the same area in less than a year. My husband is the one who went up to him as he thought he was perhaps sleeping, he looked that peaceful. My brother died from a gun shot to the head. Im doing all the right things to no avail. Except for in dreams and memories. My brother took the easy way out a few months ago. Saving this. Today was the day my brother killed himself. I dont think saying my son committed suicide is any different than saying his father died in a car wreck. Chan, Im so very sorry for the loss of your sister, how heartbreaking! My siblings and I are taking care of my mom now but who is going to be there to take care of me? Its not always bad thoughts , I miss spending time her , the way I felt around her. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. A day ago my mom told me that my childhood best friend was that guy. I let her down,I failed her,now I am alone and looking for a way to go. I know God has always been there for me and gotten me through a lot but Im to the point of questioning everything. We talked everyday, he was my first for a lot of things. My husband and I at 16 relinquished our son thru adoption. I know I should fight anyway for them if I truly love them but I wake up every day feeling defeated. He was the happiest most out going man and had so many friends. I hate that I dont get to understand or know why he did what he did and I even have my moments when Im angry with him for not talking to me about the one thing I needed to know after he talked to me about everything else. My great lawyer Michael J Bidart sued Blue Cross of CA, Cedar Vista Hospital and their Yale educated contract Psychiatrist We won a 4.5 million settlement and I built the Sean McDonald school in Cambodia. My friend was a veteran and my neighbor. FOR YOU! the night he killed himself he told me how happy he was he had never been this happy in his lifehe had the best kids in the world, his 2 and my 2, he had the best parents, the best siblings and the best girlfriend in the world. Only one of my friends knew about it, because she was smart and could connect the dots from the news article that was published. The day He shot himself changed my attitude my feelings my thoughts about him, forever. It feels like a big burden. His family did not even know me since he never introduced me. Cheers, Albert. One cop that secured the pistol took it down the road (because there was still one bullet in the gun.and my brother told him it didnt work) The officer fired it 67 times and the second bullet never fired. Since his suicide I havent found anyone who I can relate to, this is a level of loneliness that I have nothing to compare to. Those who are fearful of their responses may engage in maladaptive and persistent avoidance of triggers or reminders, which, in some cases, can contribute to the development of a psychological disorder and prevent the mourner from finding meaningful ways to continue their bond with their loved one. I have isolated myself, some days getting out of bed is impossible. He just refused any help. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! I told her that she was smart, strong and hard-working. No we were not gun owners. He had never once mentioned suicidal thoughts, or even his depression. We kissed once and you could tell it was a perfect match. We were together 10 years, and we were more in love than I thought possible. You sound like an incredibly resilient person; that is something to be proud of. The movies and music I love come from him, my love of football, Im a huge fan of the Oakland raiders bc of him. My dads bipolar with manic rage. He didnt want to be here when she left and he felt like hed already lost her. Robert, First, my heart is beyond heavy for your loss of your wife. I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. It gives me anxiety to the point like i feel there is a tie forcing in my neck like i was choking. JANE, I feel your pain. I still have difficulty saying my son died by suicide. I NEED PRAYERS ASAP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! Brenda Roethler May 17, 2016 at 10:18 pm Reply. We were happy. Anonymous September 3, 2021 at 7:48 am Reply. We just had his wake today and the memorial service is tomorrow. Arce February 28, 2023 at 12:59 am Reply. Would you or do you believe in life after death?? Self-care and all that. Shed built an enormous empire all on her own. My brother just killed himself about two months ago. We decided to go for an evaluation, and he was surprisingly admitted to the hospital. All the best. You may want to check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-sleep/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/ All the best to you and your family. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. Katie, I read your comment and I can imagine how you feel. Seven years ago, I thought the worst possible thing that could ever happen, happened. For you, you just have to realise that it wasn't your fault. IS THIS WHY MY SON TOOK HIS LIFE? I know it will be hard, i'm crying just writing this post but idk. I am angry. Every day is saddening and the pain if overwhelming. Its a shit feeling falling into the what could I have done different and Im to blame game. Sometimes hed just drop away mid-chat and resurface 5 or 8 months later. During the most difficult time in my life, God sent me an angel. He made me a better oerson through his love and kindness. Mental illness is a physical illness and mixed with chronic pain caused him great suffering. I think one of the hardest thing for me has been the feelings of isolation that have come from others not knowing how to allow me to be where I am in my grieving while at the same time not leaving me alone in my grief. Its been 24 hours and theres no signs of him or his vehicle. John Imboden October 17, 2020 at 11:18 am Reply. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that but I miss her still Ive relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? The officers told me my fiance must have been gone for 20 minutes or so, it had taken me that long to arrive home and try and stop him. Truth is I never could have changed the out come. The anger problems started after an accident where he suffered a head injury. Thank you for that. I immediately tried to get him to come back inside and asked him what was wrong. Hi Sue, sorry I wasnt clear! Anyway sometimes for me writing things out helps. It meant to much to me and continues to mean so much to me, to know that, at least twice a month (our group meets twice a month), I can be assured that I can be real with others who have walked a similar path. I lost my sobriety after 25 yrs of abstaining, and when he was about to be hospitalized yet again, I realized that I had nothing to offer him unless I started taking care of myself. The what ifs, the what could I have done? I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me. I fell..it hurt but no harm done. That night he took a whole bottle of Xanax. I had post-traumatic stress reactions as a result of his abuse and so now I just feel free now that hes not here. If he were here right now (he didnt leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think hed say he did it for me. You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. This week has been a very trying time, and Im not sure if I am subconsciously grieving in anticipation of the date, or putting myself in his circumstances at the time, but my heart has felt so, so, heavy. Nathan A. McAtee, 18, is charged with first-degree felony aggravated murder in the fatal . I lost my younger brother 7 months ago. Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:22 am Reply, Hey Sarah. Then I heard the most blood curdling scream as I realized my baby had made her way to the couch behind me and stood on it getting a good look at what daddy would not take his eyes off of on his phone. By Tuesday after his stepfather & I made tons of calls the police were called. I have to move into low income housing (I get VA disability) and I have to file bankruptcy. The saddest part is that she documented it all with an online friend she was talking to in another country, and she immediately regretted what she did, threw up for 8 hours, fell asleep in a bad position and suffocated. Suicide aint the answer, one day or another they will realize they messed up and werent there for you and youll be there to hear that. He was a great Airman. Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. It all happened one year ago exactly. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. I love you Forever my Guardian angel Jan. 31, 2020. We were extremely well matched. But sometimes I just feel that I am not responsible for others feelings and I am carrying a terrible live. His hamper of clothes is still in the same spot when he was here. Im now in the position of being the mental and physical stability for my family. When I didnt hear from him for a couple of days, my heart sank, and I believed he had probably relapsed on drugs, again, and was in the hospital or a rehab. My heart Stopped the moment i seen the gun right before i put it to his head. She has been gone almost 6 months I cry everyday, I blame myself, I ask why, I relive that night everyday, all my mom and I had were each other, I just cant wrap my head around this, I am so lonely, l am so lost. He had been out of the hospital only 10 days when he took his life. Through loss of Family to suicide, as Well as My husband 5 yrs ago, then again when my Fiance took his life a little over one year ago. I said the most hurtful thing to him. I know its hard to believe, but the shock, anger, and confusion you are experiencing is normal. I just want him back. When I received that news my body fell into shock. Thanks for sharing. He chose to do this a week and a half to two weeks before both of our childrens birthdays. I miss them both so terribly. I stumbled on this site and thought I would try reaching out.